The Women forces Debra Messing once again upon us on September 12th. The not-even-in-the-least irrelevant Friday the 13th remake arrives on February 13, 2009.

(Stills courtesy of RopeofSilicon.com - here and here)

Tags: debra messing, friday the 13th, marketing, movie, publicity, still, the women

I am a fish out of water.
I am an everyman.
My wife and I met cute.
There’s no place like my home.
I’m getting a lot more than I bargained for.
My life is based on a true story.
I play fast and loose with the rules.
I tend to think that things are quiet. A little too quiet.
My kids are wise beyond their years.
I am searching for redemption.
Most of my schemes are just crazy enough to work.
I am stuck in development hell.
I’m an untested rookie, brash and arrogant.
I’ll have what she’s having.
I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
My family means everything to me.
There’s a part of “no” that I don’t understand.
I make mistakes that could get people killed.
Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
I’m a grizzled veteran; I’ve seen it all.
My character arc is incomplete.
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
In prison, I’d be the fresh meat.
I assure you, my freedom comes at a dear price.
I’m a tough-talkin broad with a heart of gold.
I am too old for this shit.
There is still good in me.
I can’t handle the truth.
Everything is at stake.
I never say die. I never surrender.
I have a bad feeling about this.
VICTORY WILL BE MINE.
I don’t need no stinking badge.
I am frequently the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But believe me…
I’ll be back.

(inspired in part by the genius that is Piper and his recent musings on Wanted)

Tags: blog, burbanked, cliche, movie, Off the Rails

Finally, some good news coming out of Hollywood! I just read today that a revolutionary new technology has been created to help moviegoers stop feeling so bad about spending money for substandard product at the theater. You know I’m a big fan of spending my movie money wisely, so I just had to share this with you:

Introducing The Eddie Murphy Gobblehead Donate-O-Tron!

This picture is the first Eddie Murphy Gobblehead rolling off the assembly line and headed for its new destination. Here’s how it works: the Eddie Murphy Gobblehead is deployed in the lobby of your local multiplex. As you approach the Eddie Murphy Gobblehead, hidden sensors trigger its internal mechanisms that cause its jaws to open WIDE. Then you take your money and throw it into the mouth of the Eddie Murphy Gobblehead.

It’s that simple! And the beauty of it is, Eddie Murphy doesn’t even have to be releasing a movie for it to work! In fact, that’s exactly the point. The Eddie Murphy Gobblehead actually replaces the need for Eddie Murphy to ever act in a movie again. Now when we go to the theater to get screwed by Hollywood, all we have to do is throw our money into the big, laughing, gaping mouth of Eddie Murphy - and we don’t have to suffer the humiliation of sitting through one of his movies.

It’s a win-win for everyone involved, I’d say, because we are all so desperate to believe that Eddie Murphy still has a good movie or eight in him. Now we can give him our money of our own free will, and never be subjected to the indignity of him sleepwalking through another listless family comedy, watered down Beverly Hills Cop sequel, unfunny sci fi adventure or Tolstoy adaptation.

And when you think about it, there’s no reason that the Eddie Murphy Gobblehead has to be limited to just movie theaters:

Imagine: you’re a stay-at-home mom, taking the kids to the playground for the day and what’s this? Just watch the joy spread across your kids’ faces as they stick their pennies and nickels into the mouth of Eddie Murphy.

Don’t let those shopping mall crowds get you down! Nothing chases away the doldrums wrought from our reckless and out-of-control consumer culture quite like donating money to the cause of Eddie Murphy never, ever gracing the silver screen again.

It’s one thing to fill the brains of our youth with the inestimable value found our nation’s fine library system - but when they learn how to throw their money away to the benefit of Eddie Murphy, you’re teaching them something important about life as well.

Where is it written that all of your disposal charity income should be donated to your house of worship? I say just give it to Eddie Murphy instead - and see how much better and brighter the world looks when you do.

And don’t forget this summer while you’re out touring our country’s monuments and other places of historical interest how important it is to the health of our nation that we keep Eddie Murphy from stepping in front of the cameras ever again. It’s really every patriotic citizen’s duty, I’d say. And I’d be right.

And guess what? I even read that if you order an Eddie Murphy Gobblehead Donate-O-Tron by July 4th, they’ll also send you this limited edition Sharon Stone FaceStuffer for carnivals and garage sales. It functions very similarly to the Eddie Murphy Gobblehead, but also accepts recyclables and old underwear.

Well there you have it. Once again the innovators of Hollywood have brought innovation, simplicity and true sensitivity to the endeavor of relieving us of our hard-earned money. You’ve got to admire an industry so dedicated to thinking outside the box…and inside the money-gobbling head of Eddie Murphy.

Tags: bizarro, blog-a-thon, celebrity, eddie murphy, gobblehead, lazy eye theatre, movie, sharon stone

Hollywood has reacted quickly to the worldwide blockbuster weekend success of Get Smart with a huge announcement that Sony has secured the remake rights to classic TV skein Happy Days. John Davis of Davis Entertainment (Daddy Day Camp, Norbit, Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, Fat Albert) will produce for Sony who will distrib after the pic lenses in October.

Although he isn’t directly or even remotely involved with the new prod, Joel Silver of Warner Bros. and recent Speed Racer fame is looking forward to the new take on Days, which rather surprisingly takes the lives of the Fonz, Richie, Potsie, the Cunninghams and the rest - and transplants them all into the late 60s:

“We thought it’d be fantastic to take the Happy Days gang out of those ‘happy days’ if you will, and mix it all up a bit. See, now they’re in a totally different era - they’re the ultimate fish out of water - and they have to deal with things they’ve never known before. There’s so much potential there, it’s a rich and vibrant time for the gang we all know and love.

Although the screenplay is being kept under tight wraps, insiders have claimed that the action, comedy and family drama have all been “pumped up”, with a number of surprise twists and developments. “They explore that whole untapped Joanie-Fonzie chemistry,” an anonymous Sony exec sez, “And it’s pretty wrong but zowie it’s hot.” Additionally, widespread scuttlebutt on the script reveals that the episodic’s lovable doofus “Potsie” is seen in “wacky Viet Nam bootcamp hijinks” and “Mr. C” is permanently dispatched in a pre-cred sequence that involves a bowling alley mishap. This surprising beat, it’s speculated, results from the fact that Days actor Tom Bosley refused to sign over a tiny piece of the prop’s rights he still owns. The oversight appears to have occurred because the new flick’s producers “figured that guy was toes-up already.” As for the rest of the cast, Sony has let it slip that the characters of “Ralph Malph” and “Chachi” will be completely rendered through CGI.

Percenters all over town have jumped on the news to attach talent to the prod. Vince Vaughn has emerged as the frontrunner to play “Arthur Fonzarelli,” the role made famous by Henry Winkler. He’ll costar with Lindsay Lohan, who sources claim plans to heat up the screen in a big comeback role as “Joanie”. Owen Wilson and Matthew McConaughey are in heated talks over the role of “Richie Cunningham,” while Sharon Stone is rumored to be attached to the pic as well. Contacted for comment, Stone’s reps insist that she will NOT be playing “Mrs. C,” and industry buzz is that the 60-something thesp will instead cameo as the streetwise “Pinky Tuscadero”.

Representatives for the corpse of Pat Morita have released a statement that their client would very much like to be involved in the flick, and they’re just waiting to talk numbers. This might pose a problem for Mike Myers, who apparently has already prepared a wacky new inoffensive Japanese accent.

No helmers have been attached to the pic yet, although names being tossed about include Shawn Levy, Brett Ratner, Garry Marshall, Peter Segal, Joel Schumacher, M. Night Shyamalan, George Lucas, J.J. Abrams, Raja Gosnell, Ang Lee, Clint Eastwood, McG and one additional name the producers classify as their “dream choice”.

“Well of course they’d love to have little Ronnie Howard do it,” sez Joel Silver, who by court order must again clarify that he’s not actually involved in the production. “He might think he’s above that kind of thing, but in the end we all come back home again. And besides, the money will be pretty f***ing boffo.”

Tags: bizarro, blog-a-thon, get smart, happy days, lazy eye theatre, movie, remake

Hi, Sharon Stone. It’s me, Burbanked. I figured, as a fellow western Pennsylvanian and an accredited member of the burgeoning Pittsburgh film bloggers community, I would take the initiative to reach out and bestow upon you the kind of true kindness that only kind people can give so freely and kindly.

Sharon Stone, it’s time for you to return to Hollywood greatness.

Now I know what you’re going to say: that any kind of future film project that you’d be involved in can’t really be considered a “comeback” because you’ve never really “gone away” - and of course you’d be right! Your career has never been hotter, what with that Chris Fallon movie you recently performed in as well as a couple of those other high profile star vehicles of late. And while I’m certainly not here to cast doubts on any role large or infinitely tiny in your filmography, I speak to you as a true fan when I say that we, your adoring moviegoing public, are so so very ready to see you return to greatness.

Just remember, Sharon Stone, you were nominated for an Oscar award! And you were so very terrific and not at all annoying and one-note in that Martin Scorsese movie that wasn’t derivative of his other movies at all. And even though you didn’t get to speak nearly as much voiceover in that film as everyone else - and I mean everyone else! - you sure did hold your own with some cinematic bigshots. I guess it’s true what they say in Hollywood: fake a sexual attraction to Joe Pesci, get lots of award nominations. Hey, it worked for Marisa Tomei, right? And she never even flashed her baby tunnel on film, either. You did, though. Yes you did.

You’re brave, Sharon Stone. Brave like Americans should be. Brave in that way that we admire and love in the way that you say what you mean and you just don’t care at all if people are hurt or offended or if they think you’re a big stupid jerk and that you know nothing about global political issues or racial sensitivity. What do the rest of the people in “the world” know, anyhow? They don’t have a 154 IQ like you like to tell people you do, Sharon Stone. And most people haven’t simulated doggy style with one of the lesser Baldwin brothers, either. You’ve done that. And so much more.

So keep that chin up, Sharon Stone. And those eyelids and cheek flesh and arm flab. You’ve got a good 2 1/2 years of worthwhile actress career left on that face of yours, and I for one am looking forward to what might come next. Will it be a new drama where you’re scary and psychological? Maybe a kooky comedy where you wear your hair all messy and wacky? Or can we eagerly anticipate the coming of The Specialist II: Even More Specialized or maybe Gloria 2: Menopause Mania?

I can’t wait, and I know a lot of others feel the way I do. Just remember that you’re a celebrity and you have a responsibility to remake, reinvigorate, reimagine and reinvent yourself. You’re an inspiration to many, and an actress of such wide-ranging talents that the impact of your skills and instrument have been felt from Keira Knightley to Shannon Elizabeth.

So for all of that and more, Sharon Stone, thank you. Thank you, God bless, and we eagerly await your return to fame and glory.

Tags: bizarro, blog-a-thon, celebrity, lazy eye theatre, movie, sharon stone

Absolutely go visit the Dads in Media Blog-a-thon going on throughout the weekend over at RC’s terrific Strange Culture site. Plenty of fatherly advice, classic cinematic dad remembrances and more to be found there!

It’s impossible to separate the practice of fatherhood from the frequent and consistent dispensing of advice. Every day I make a suggestion or helpful comment to my boys that, as it circles around inside my head trying to find a way out, seems innocent enough. But then I start to speak and I realize that I’m not just telling him how cars work or why it’s a bad idea to throw that thing at his brother’s head; in fact I’m trying to convey a much deeper Big Truth Of Life.

And in those moments, I often surprisingly discover that what I’m saying sounds a lot like my father’s voice coming out of my mouth.

Like many pops, mine has a regular go-to list of insights, sayings and platitudes for any given situation - but which of our favorite movie characters might have learned a thing or two from the fatherly wisdom of my dear old dad?

Fatherly Wisdom	Movie Character Who Wishes They’d Been Told That
Inspiration: the topic of aging gracefully Dad says: “Growing old isn’t so great, unless you consider the alternative.” The lesson is: Our limited time on this planet suggests that we should be happy with what we get rather than dreaming of immortality.	Louis de Pointe du Lac, Interview with the Vampire
Inspiration: my possible career choices Dad says: “It’s okay to be a garbage man - just be the very best garbage man there is.” The lesson is: Apply hard work and an honest effort and you can determine your destiny’s happy and successful vocation.	Anakin Skywalker, Revenge of the Sith
Inspiration: every single waitress who has ever said “Hi, my name is so-and-so and I’ll be serving you today.” Dad says: “Hi, my name is Tom and I’ll be eating!” The lesson is: extending kindness and humor to a waitress is a good way to treat another person with dignity and respect - and it might very well brighten up the rest of their day!	Sarah Connor, The Terminator
Inspiration: my brief - and in jest - pre-college comment that I was planning to join the Marines Dad says: “Well, that’s fine. When you’re ready to sign up, I’ll sit you down and tell you all the stories I could never say in front of your mother.” The lesson is: Marine bootcamp might not be quite as fun and exciting as the advertising would have you believe. What else I learned: Wait, there are stories he can’t tell in front of mom? Cool.	Private Pyle, Full Metal Jacket
Inspiration: any lengthy or uncomfortable silence Dad says: “Well…what’s it all mean?” The lesson is: the truths of life are as elusive as shadows at dawn; always question the reality of what you see, hear and think you know.	U.S. Customs Agent Dave Kujan, The Usual Suspects
Inspiration: whenever I would sing little songs as a young child Dad says: “Sing near the window and I’ll help you out!” The lesson is: however impressed I may be by my own talents, they might not necessarily be apparent to everyone else around me who knows the truth but is too kind to tell it to me.	All characters ever played by Keira Knightley
Inspiration: the moment when silence settles in roughly 42 seconds after food is put down on the table. Dad says: “It’s good to eat.” The lesson is: let us never forget how grateful we should be for having food to eat, family to share it with and a peaceful, pleasant dinnertime.	Gluttony, Se7en

And a Happy Father’s Day weekend to all you lucky dads out there. Take your kid to a movie today!

Tags: advice, anakin skywalker, blogathon, dads in media, dave kujan, father's day, full metal jacket, gluttony, interview with the vampire, keira knightley, movie, private pyle, rc, revenge of the sith, sarah connor, se7en, star wars, strange culture, terminator, usual suspects